DEAR ABBY: Say there’s this guy who’s about 30, who has a stepmother who is younger than he is. (She’s 27) They have a warm, happy, close, loving friendship — nothing abnormal or unusual.
Then the father dies, having had no children with her. Is it wrong for the guy to develop a romantic interest in her? And what about her? Would it be wrong for her to take up with her former stepson?
I have never experienced a deeper, more romantic kind of love than I have with my former stepmom. Dad had himself a prize catch. She’s built, pretty, understanding and a great cook — and the way we’ve been going, we might be married sometime soon. I just can’t decide if it’s right or wrong. What do you think? – Smitten in North Texas
DEAR SMITTEN: What you have in mind is unusual but not unheard of. You are not her biological son, so there is no reason why you could not marry if you wish. In fact, it could work out very well, because your feelings for each other evolved from an already established friendship. I say go for it — but be prepared for some teasing.
Dear god. What happened here? I’ve seen Dear Abby – whoever that is at this point – come up with reasonable, grounded responses and healthy referrals in the short space she has to answer each query. And then every so often, we get a clunker like this.
Whatever could have possessed her to read that letter and think, “Sounds good to me – only potential problem I can think of is that there might be some teasing!” If I announced to all my friends that my father had died and I was going out with my stepmother, I don’t think teasing would be on anyone’s agenda. Horrified silence would be more like it. Nervous laughter as they decided it was a joke might come next. Teasing? Not even on the top ten list of possible responses.
But that’s hardly my main problem with this exchange. Here’s my concern: Dear Abby (who I see is still Jeanne Phillips) doesn’t appear to have picked up on any of the giant fluorescent warning flags this guy is putting out there. Consider:
Mom married a guy old enough to be her father, and now she’s hooking up with her son. We all act out aspects of our families in our own relationships at first; often, it’s out of an unconscious drive to repeat old situations until we can heal them. This pretty, understanding woman is acting very much like someone who has been abused often does, finding ways to recreate a sexualized parent-child relationship.
By the same token, this guy was raised by a man who had adult relationships with people younger than his own children, and now he is attracted to his stepmother. This is not rocket science. This is problematic, to say the least. I think that the biggest sign that there’s a problem here is that he doesn’t at any point talk about her as his peer; he clearly sees her as his stepmother, albeit a hot stepmother that he\’s started dating. And it clearly bothers him enough that he needs to write in to an advice columnist and beg for reassurance that their relationship is okay.
And in turn, that’s the question she answers. She takes the situation on his terms: he really loves this woman and he’s afraid it’s not okay. Well, shucks, it must be okay if they’re in love! The only reason it wouldn’t be okay is if it weren’t legal, and luckily for them it sure is! But that’s not the real question here. If he wanted to know if it were legal, he’d go to a lawyer. He is afraid it’s “wrong,” too afraid to define what that means. So instead of suggesting that they take some time separately to explore why they’re attracted to each other and why they feel like it\’s wrong before getting into a relationship, she urges them to keep jumping right on in. Headfirst.
And I do mean urges. Dear Abby actually goes so far here as to claim that their relationship is going to be better than normal because of their history together. Let me get this straight: if you are friends with your stepmom, and you start dating her, your relationship is going to be all the stronger for… the fact… that you had a good relationship… with your stepmom. Somebody call NAMBLA, I think she\’s come up with a whole new area for them to explore.
And a good catch by Annie: While he tries to make it sound like they only started dating after Dad died, he manages to make it pretty clear that they’ve been intriguing together (intentionally getting romantically entangled on some level) for a very long time, suggesting that this began before his father’s death. Which suggests that this relationship involves even more boundary issues than were immediately apparent.
His ideal woman is straight out of a Stepford Wives manual. Pretty, “built,” understanding, and a great cook. He doesn’t seem to be seeing her as a real person or even as someone from his own generation. Speaking of which:
Mom’s “built”? Dad “had himself a prize catch”? This guy is my age – why is he talking like a teenager in a bad ’50s movie?
And of course, there’s the fact that he’s dating his recently-deceased father’s wife. It’s highly unlikely that neither of them has any kind of emotional issues around that. Only they can know whether in getting together they are trying to deny his death, keep him alive by getting involved with the other person closest to him, act out or erase their grief, or something else entirely. But any one of these points would be reason enough for Abby to urge taking a break for self-exploration through some kind of therapy or twelve-step programs. It’s both deeply sad and disturbing that she did not.
Dear Abby, what were you thinking?